The 32nd and final pick of the 2018 CMC Draft...

...is sponsored by Sweet Pickles kids entertainment.

Because the advent of the smartphone/tablet has thrown this children’s material into a dumpster fire.  Kids just want a gdamn touchscreen.

The Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles select:

Jaire Alexander, CB, Louisville

The Eagles 🦅 take advantage of this board riser and purely pick their best player available.

The 31st Pick of the 2018 CMC Mock Draft....

...is sponsored by the 2002 USC Song Girls

Pick the ones Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush smashed during that season.

The New England Patriots select:
Sony Michel, RB, Georgia
Great value pick for the Patriots, who hope Michel can replace the production from Dion Lewis and the soon-to-be departed James White.

The 30th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft...

...is sponsored by shrimp scampi

Shrimp, butter, lemon juice and parsley...never fails.

The Minnesota Vikings select:

Mike Hughes, CB, UCF

The Vikings already overpaid for a quarterback they didn't need so now they draft the cornerback they do need after Nick Foles lit them up like a Christmas tree in the NFC championship game.

The 29th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft...

...is sponsored by this photo of Ron Cey, former LA Dodger great of the 70's-80's.




Move over David Hasselhoff!  This was the real ladies man who had a grrrreaaat time with LA's finest.

The Jacksonville Jaguars select:

Courtland Sutton, WR, SMU

Allen Hurns is out, and this big-bodied WR will need to make a big leap.  Bortles needs WR's to bail his inaccuracy out.

The 28th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft

The 28th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft is sponsored by Pittsburgh Steeler Fans

You are the worst fans in the league.  You take personal credit for the success of the teams as if you actually played for the Steelers.  No one likes Steeler fans (or Penguins for that matter)



The Pittsburgh Steelers Select Derrius Guice RB LSU

The Steelers need a plan B for Leveon Bell who is getting older and threatens to hold out for more money every training camp.  Bell is the man but we've seen these running backs disappear almost overnight.  Guice is a big durable back in the mold that has done well in the AFC north for a long time.

The 27th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft

The 27th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft is sponsored by Red Burrito

How bad is your brand that you cannot even stand on your own and a brand as weak as Hardee's is supposed to help you sell your crap. Red Burrito is like Taco Bell if it was possible for Taco Bell to suck more than it already does.


The New Orleans Saints Select Hayden Hurst TE South Carolina

The Saints are missing that Jimmy Graham TE and Hurst is the answer.  He's a big fast athlete who will catch alot of passes from Brees in 2018.  If you're Hurst you can't wait to get down to New Orleans as anybody that lines up in that offense gets video game stats.

The 26th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft...

is sponsored by the Kyocera Duraforce Pro.



Seriously - who in the fuck buys this?  Is it sold somewhere in Kyrgysztan?


The Atlanta Falcons select:

Frank Ragnow, C/OG, Arkansas

Boring as hell pick, yet this is a well-rounded player who can move around Center and Interior Guard positions bringing a big value.  This poses well star players RB Devonta Freeman and QB Matt Ryan.  It all starts with O-line.  With Taven Bryan/Maurice Hurst still being on the table, this could be a poor move.  The hope is one of them are there in round 2.

The 25th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft....

...is sponsored by the 80s hair band Stryper

...wow....just wow...

The Tennessee Titans select:

Josh Sweat, EDGE, Florida State

Sweat ran a 4.50 in the NFL Combine and fills a major need for a pass rusher that the Titans have. This is a funny spot as they could trade out of the first round and take their chances in the early second. We'll see what happens. 

The 24th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft....

...is sponsored by these BOMB ass biscuit sandwiches from Tudor's Biscuit World

True story. I went to West Virginia for a weekend a couple summers ago to enjoy some time with a woman (she lives in Philadelphia and was there for work...I ain't fucking with no home grown West Virginia bitches). And outside of the sex, the second-most thing I was excited for was Tudor's biscuits and holy shit they didn't disappoint. Neither did she...of course I found out later she was married but can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs eh?

The Carolina Panthers select:

D.J. Moore, WR, Maryland

You got Cam Newton right? Might as well give him a receiver or two that can catch.

The 23rd Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft...

...is sponsored by Maxwell House Master Blend K-Cups.



Let's take the horseshit taste of Maxwell ground coffee and get it into a K-Cup.  This is putting lipstick on a pig.  Pure shat.


The New England Patriots select:

Mike McGlinchey, OT, Notre Dame

Yes OT needs to be addressed, but this is one the Pats can't let escape.  With the solid pro for many years, Nate Solder, now a Giant, Brady gets a very promising replacement who can possibly be a day 1 starter.

The 22nd Pick in the 2019 CMC Mock Draft

The 22nd Pick in the 2019 CMC Mock Draft is sponsored by Allegiant Airlines

Have you ever flown Allegiant? Their flight times are best guesses and their equipment is maintained by Carney's who work their nights fixing ferris wheels and tilt a whirls.  If you are lucky enough to get a flight that actually leaves the airport good luck making it to your destination without having to divert because of mechanical problems.  Also, the only place Allegiant flies are such desirable destinations as Asheville, NC and Akron, OH.  Please don't point out Las Vegas because I don't consider flying 5 hours in one of their cramped up rust buckets an option.


The Buffalo Bills Select Mason Rudolph QB Oklahoma St.


The Bills reach for future bust Rudolph as the highest available QB left.  Rudolph will suck like so many of the Bills QB picks over the years since Kelly retired.  They had Tyrod Taylor but decided to treat him like trash.  He's better than anything they've trotted out there in a long time.  Of course, he's no JP Losman and I don't think Rudolph has much of a chance to get past Losman's ceiling of less than mediocrity.

The 21st Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft

The 21st Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft is sponsored by Red Baron Pizza

Remember when Red Baron was the shiz?  I used to want it but it was premium and my parents wouldnt buy it.  Now Bertolli and CPK and basically everyone else has left Red Baron as a has been.  They owned the world with those little individual deep dish pizza's and the silver cardboard microwaveable sheath. But sadly, they are now just the blockbuster video of frozen pies.



The Cincinnati Bengals Select Will Hernandez OG UTEP

Hernandez isn't a glamour pick but the Bengals seem to always go OL or CB in these spots and have done well.  Hernandez can plug in and play on the interior for the next 10 years and there is nothing wrong with that. 

The 20th Pick of the 2018 CMC Mock Draft...

is sponsored by Bok Tower Gardens in Lake Wales, FL.


Is it a beautiful area?  Yes.  Great place to take the family?  Yes.

So what are you waiting for?  Get a fucking Bok Tower Annual Pass.


The Detroit Lions select:

Leighton Vander Esch, OLB, Boise State

Matt Patricia can pick up a good RB later or he can take Derrius "Mike" Guice now.  Don't tell that to a former DC.  Vander Esch was considered a fringe 1st rounder in February.  That has since changed where he could go anywhere from 15-25.  I have a feeling he is going to be a good one.

The 19th Pick of the 2018 CMC Mock Draft...

...is sponsored by the T-Mobile sidekick

Hard to believe that Mark Cuban used to be a huge advocate for this phone.

The Dallas Cowboys select:

Sam Hubbard, DE, Ohio State

The run on defensive linemen continues as this is a very safe pick for the Cowboys. Hubbard doesn't have the great combine numbers and he's not a guy that's going to blow you away off the hoof but he's a productive player that will generally make the right plays. 

The 18th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft

The 18th Pick of the 2018 CMC Mock Draft is sponsored by Boingo Wifi

Hey I've got a great idea...charge people for wifi when its basically free everywhere.  Nice business model. 

The Seahawks Select Marcus Davenport DE Texas-San Antonio

The Seahawks fierce defense is aging and moving on.  They need a new generation of freaks and goons to scare the AFC West.  A 6-6 265 nasty DE with a chip on his shoulder is exactly what the Seahawks need to get back to their days of intimidation.

The 17th Pick of the 2018 CMC Mock Draft...

is sponsored by the quite possibly the most gorgeous politician in US political history.



Is this a face of dreams?


The Los Angeles Chargers select:

Da'Ron Payne, DT, 'Bama

Back-to-back Crimson Tide players selected.  The Chargers defense ranked 2nd to last in run defense last year.  Need I say more about the need for this pick?  What a great turnaround season LA had last year starting 0-4 and finishing 9-7 just shy of the playoffs.  Next up...O-line help.

The 16th Pick of the 2018 CMC Mock Draft...

...is sponsored by this sweet ass photo of Tom Select from like 1982

This guy had it all. Bushy hair, porn stache, hairy chest. Pretty much the hat trick of getting some fine trim in the early-mid 80s.

The Baltimore Ravens select:

Calvin Ridley, WR, Alabama

With all five quarterbacks gone the Ravens are in no-man's land as they could probably trade down and snag Ridley in the 20s. But the first-round value in this draft dies significantly after the top 15 so here they are. The Ravens haven't had a real No. 1 receiver in a long time and since Joe Flacco is still humming around they should give him a legitimate target.

The 15th Pick of the 2018 CMC Mock Draft...

...is sponsored by Gwaltney center cut bacon

Despite it being 40 percent less fat than normal Gwaltney bacon it's still 120% more fat than any other decent packaged bacon on Earth. Save your arteries and eat Canadian Bacon.

The Arizona Cardinals select:

Lamar Jackson, QB, Louisville

The Cardinals needed a quarterback and didn't have to trade up to get Jackson. This is a very intriguing and somewhat polarizing pick but the former Heisman winner has a lot of tools to build around and if the Cardinals play their hand right they might have the best player of the bunch. 

The 14th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft...

is sponsored by the most polarizing net worth comparisons between a #1 and #2 overall selection in the history of NFL Draft, this one coming from 1998.

  #2 overall, 1K net worth (click me)

  #1 overall, 200M net worth (click me)


Reports are out there that Leaf has just opened a new Acorn account and is on the up.


The Green Bay Packers select:

Harold Landry, DE, Boston College

It was so close between Landry and Ridley, but Green Bay sorely needs help on the pass rush being that Clay Matthews has some wear on the tires at age 32.  When Aaron Rodgers is your QB, the receivers could be from Webber International.

The 13th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft

The 13th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft is sponsored by TreSemme

First of all don't come at us with a French name and act all euro chic and then give us tubs of product with pump action.  We know better.  This shiz is about as French as Haagen Dasz is German. 



The Washington Redskins Select Vita Vea DT Washington

This guy is a load and you need a run stopper if you play the Giants and Cowboys twice a year.  Vea is the top interior guy in the draft and an upgrade for Washington's D-line.  I was tempted to go Derrius Guice here because he has the best last name in football and if rumors are true might bat for the other team but Vea is too good a fit.

The 12th Pick of the 2018 CMC Mock Draft

The 12th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft is sponsored by Hydrox Cookies

Honestly, your broke a$$ can't afford double stuff's?  Or...you just opened a frozen yogurt joint and you can't figure out why no one ever comes back?  As a matter of fact...if you own any Hydrox cookies please don't read our draft (don't worry no one does anyway).


The Buffalo Bills Select Roquan Smith OLB Georgia 

Smith is a tackle machine and Buffalo is lucky he fell this far.  I think he's a difference maker for the long time in the NFL.  He was a man among boys in the SEC and won't be fun to play against in those cold AFC East games.  The Bills came in the draft with a need at QB but the value just isn't there.  Smith could be the best defensive player in the draft.

The 11th Pick of the 2018 CMC Mock Draft....

...is sponsored by Ekologisk Sylt Lingon Lingonberry Jam.
When your cupboard is out of jelly.  Forget Publix.  Forget Walmart.  Drive 45 minutes out of your way to IKEA b/c this shit is unique.

It's IKEA Lingonberry Jam - you f*cking get it?  Got it?  Ok?

The Miami Dolphins select:

Baker Mayfield, QB, Oklahoma

The Dolphins legion of fans are so sad this means the end of Jay Cutler.  Cutler personified grit, passion, and humility.  Cutler or Marino as Miami's favorite son? Take your pick b/c it's a toss up.  Seriously, Miami needs an attitude.  How perfect is Mayfield for this role?  I can see him making Miami his town.  When a guy foregoes the easy scholarship offers to walk on Oklahoma and win the Heismann - it's something to be reckoned with.  Does he still have a chip on his shoulder into the NFL?  If yes, than he could be the best QB of the 2018 crop.  Even better than Kiki Jericho.

The 10th Pick of the 2018 CMC Mock Draft....

...is sponsored by the Wal-mart discount movie bin.

Because long before it was Netflix & Chill it was buy a discount copy of "Meet the Fockers" and chill.

The Oakland Raiders select:

Tremaine Edmunds, Virginia Tech, LB

Oakland needs some additional pass rushing help for Khalil Mack and although Edwards is just 19 (probably a young 20 when the NFL's opening day comes around) he has a lot of speed and raw tools to work with.

The 9th Pick of the 2018 CMC Mock Draft...

...is sponsored by Kelly Rowland's fine ass

You can fuck with Beyonce Z if you want to. She's a couple of kids in and she's borderline crazy. Meanwhile I'll just camp out at Bonnaroo with the rest of the out-of-work hipsters and keep my eye on Kelly and just wait for her to slip up. I'm ready for that jelly Kelly!

The San Francisco 49ers select:

Denzel Ward, CB, Ohio State

Tough sledding here because the 49ers will probably need a linebacker when Rueben Foster gets sentenced to 3-5 years in a minimum security joint. But San Francisco has a glaring need at cornerback and Ward and can come in and learn from Richard Sherman.

The 8th Pick of the 2018 CMC Mock Draft...

...is sponsored by the these shit-for-brains franchise collection of movies.





Because I can't waste a minute of my life watching this pure rubbish (unless my kids like it).

The Chicago Bears Select:

Minkah Fitzpatrick, Safety, Bama

Many scouts say they haven't seen a DB come out of Bama like this since Landon Collins.   The best part about him is his versatility.  His role as a safety at Bama began due to an injury of another safety.  He was a cornerback beforehand.  Bears take this megatalent in a Chicago minute.  Not bad to have this elite pick fall on your lap at #8.

The 7th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft

The 7th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft is sponsored by Dentyne

Honestly, Dentyne had the little crappy chewing market on lock back in the day with their 4 out of 5 dentist schtick.  Somehow they let Orbitz and and a bunch of other brands steal their idea and now they're slinging lame stuff like Dentyne Ice (which sounds more like a beer than a gum).

The Tampa Bay Bucs select Derwin James S Florida St.

The Bucs have shown a willingness when their board is close to default to Florida St and Florida players to help grow ticket sales.  James is one of many strong secondary standouts on the board at this point.  James is a freak of an athlete and if he stays healthy has the ceiling to be a transcendent Safety.

The 6th Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft

The 6th pick in this years draft is sponsored by Millwaukee sports

Honestly...does anyone give a shit about Millwaukee sports outside of maybe Millwaukee?  Their claim to fame is the Packers and they don't even play in Millwaukee.  The Brewers are only interesting when their players are taking steroids and the Bucks are one greek freak free agency away from being forgotten for another 20 years.  "Who are we playing tonight?"... "Millwaukee [Insert Team]"...."Oh...we can get those tickets down at the stadium for half price".  Its an arena football/minor league hockey town at best.  They should make a championship league like England does one rung below the premiership and let cities like Millwaukee, St. Louis, Oklahoma City, Cincinnati, and Buffalo feel good about themselves.


The Indianapolis Colts Select Bradley Chubb DE NC State

Best player available and Chubb drops into Indy's lap.  (btw Indianapolis can put their teams in the league mentioned above too).  Its been a while since the days of Freeney and Mathis.  It will be good to see a force on that Indianapolis D-line again.

The 5th Pick of the CMC Mock Draft...

is sponsored by the Goliath Zoingo Boingo Pogo Ball.

Chief Designer Dr Kerry Schitz-Cribbler took the original Pogo Ball from the 80's and added a contour-friendly handle to it attached to the ball - a brilliant piece of shit!

Buy it for your spoiled kids and have them shout out  "Zoingo Boingo!"


The Denver Broncos select:

Josh Allen, QB, Wyoming

This is a pure John Elway move as he sees this kid as a poor man's version of himself.  If Allen can be half as good as Elway was, then this was the right choice.  Allen can hold the clipboard for a year and learn from Case Keenum (a guy who has earned his way as a legitimate NFL QB).  With a 56% completion percentage in college raising accuracy and decision making questions, this is clearly a boom or bust selection.

The 4th Pick of the CMC Mock Draft...

... is sponsored by the Carolina Energy of the American Arena League

This league that includes such teams as the Cape Fear Heroes, Upstate Dragons, High County Grizzlies and Savannah Coastal Outlaws!

The Cleveland Browns select:

Quinton Nelson, OG, Notre Dame

You got your quarterback, now you get the best offensive lineman in the draft to protect him. Nelson appears to be the closest thing to a sure thing in this draft. And Josh Allen and Bradley Chubb begin to slide, so there could be a trade opportunity here for a QB hungry team (Buffalo?).

The 3rd Pick in the CMC Mock Draft....

...is sponsored by Cottonelle Ultra ComfortCare toilet paper

Why? Because it's the best damn toilet paper on the market and you don't let guests use it. You buy that Walmart shit for 68 cents a four-pack for your guests because who cares if they get ass rashes. However, the silky smooth feeling of that soft cottonelle tissue paper only gets to be used on your ass because it's your house and you're the king.

The New York Jets select:

Sam Darnold, QB, USC

The Jets will take somewhere between one and five seconds making this pick because otherwise they might have been looking at a tough decision between Josh Allen and Baker Mayfield. Now they can take the quarterback they want, sit out the rest of the day and start looking into offensive linemen and skill players in the 3rd-4th rounds.

The 2nd Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft...

...is sponsored by Uniross alkaline batteries.



You buy 5 and get the 6th for FREE - this is INSANE.

Sold at flea markets along the Appalachian trail.

The New York Giants select:

Saquon Barkley, RB, PSU

Gettleman says "F*ck the noise" and brings in a player that quite frankly isn't the best common sense decision for the franchise.  At #2, you go QB since this position is to replace Eli.  Darnold/Mayfield/Allen are there for the future.  These guys, however, are not of the Luck/Mariota ilk.  The signs are there for NYG - they got a left tackle in Solder and now get a bonafide RB to change the immediate landscape of the offense.  The time is now.  Look for Gettleman/Shurmur to agree on a 2nd-3rd round pick for QB to compete with Davis Webb.

The 1st Pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft

The first pick in the 2018 CMC Mock Draft is brought to you by Hunt's ketchup and whatnot.  America's distant 2nd choice in ketchup for 100 years.  Heinz's little brother is most likely available at 2nd rate restaurants, ALDI's, and your local BJ's wholesale (note Costco carries Heinz...see the theme here?).  From an ingredient standpoint Hunt's and Heinz are probably the same but if you go to your coworker's cookout and they're rocking Hunt's you know the meat is gonna be Grade C (but edible).  Shout out to local supermarket brands somehow you're generic branding is better than Hunt's

The Cleveland Browns Select Josh Rosen QB UCLA

No brainer pick here.  Rosen is the most NFL ready QB in the draft and the safest pick for a franchise that hasn't seen a good QB since Blue Schlitz started VPK back in the day.  Rosen has that rare gift last seen by Jay Cutler.  He's that QB that you just want to punch in the face.  He's going to infuriate the Cleveland fan base with his inconsistency followed by that Cutleresque "who cares smirk".  Cleveland will give up on him too early and the Patriots will get their Tom Brady replacement in time for the 2021 season.