KC has Pat
Giants got Dan
Nice comparison.
KC has Pat
Giants got Dan
Nice comparison.
Patriots Haiku
We're back bitches
And we're taking a QB
At least we hope so
Trade details: New England gets No. 31 and No. 124; San Francisco gets No. 34, No. 104 and a 2025 4th-round pick.
The Patriots select quarterback Bo Nix, QB, Oregon.
Could the Patriots have probably gotten Nix at the 34th spot? Sure. But it's important to have that fifth-year option with a quarterback, so you can push the big contract back a year in case he works out. Nix was overmatched at Auburn, but damn near won a Heisman at Oregon, which makes me wonder if it was him or just playing in the Pac-12. Seems like a nice kid, but is he a winner? We'll see.
Ravens are tough
Not missing much
Please give Lamar some weapons
The Baltimore Ravens Select Kool Aid McKinstry CB Alabama
Lions Haiku
Roaring in Detroit,
Lions, near Super Bowl glory
Fueled by ballsy coach
Detroit was seriously considering Keon Coleman in this spot to bolster their already solid WR crew. The Dan Campbell identity took over to take a needed CB with a first round grade on many analysts' boards. Lions were so close to taking the title last season. So were the Knicks back in the Ewing era until they had to play against a guy named Mike.
1) Chicago - QB Caleb Williams, USC
2) Washington - QB Jayden Daniels, LSU
3) N.Y. Giants (from New England) - QB Drake Maye, North Carolina
4) Arizona - WR Marvin Harrison Jr., Ohio State
5) Minnesota (from L.A. Chargers) - QB J.J. McCarthy, Michigan
6) New England (from N.Y. Giants) - OT Joe Alt, Notre Dame
7) Tennessee - OT Olumuyiwa Fashanu, Penn State
8) Atlanta - EDGE Dallas Turner, Alabama
9) Chicago - WR Malik Nabers, LSU
10) N.Y. Jets - OT Talifa Fauga, Oregon State
11) L.A. Chargers (from Minnesota) - WR Rome Odunze, Washington
12) Philadelphia Eagles (from Denver) - CB Quinyon Mitchell, Toledo
13) Las Vegas - Corey - OT Amarius Mims, Georgia
14) New Orleans - Mike - OL Troy Fautanu, Washington
15) Indianapolis - Cesar - TE Brock Bowers, Georgia
16) Seattle - Corey - CB Terrion Arnold, Alabama
17) Jacksonville - Cesar - DT Byron Murphy II, Texas
18) Cincinnati - Mike - WR Brian Thomas Jr, LSU
19) L.A. Rams - Corey - EDGE Jared Verse, FSU
20) Pittsburgh - Cesar - EDGE Laiatu Latu, UCLA
21) Miami - Mike - OL JC Latham, Alabama
22) Denver (from Philadelphia) - Corey - QB Michael Penix Jr, Washington
23) L.A. Chargers (from Minnesota) - Cesar - EDGE Chop Robinson, Penn State
24) Dallas - Mike - OL Jackson Powers-Johnson, Oregon
25) Green Bay - Corey - CB Cooper DeJean, Iowa
26) Tampa Bay - Cesar - OC/OG Graham Barton, Duke
27) Arizona - Mike - WR Ladd McConkey, Georgia
28) Buffalo - Corey - WR Adonai Mitchell, Texas
29) Detroit - Cesar
30) Baltimore - Mike
31) San Francisco - Corey
32) Kansas City - Cesar
Bills Haiku
Big strong quarterback
No more wide receivers
Help Josh Allen
The Buffalo Bills select WR Adonai Mitchell, Texas
A big target (6-foot-4, 205 pounds) for a big squarterback. Mitchell isn’t just a normal outside wide receiver either, he can move, he’s got fluidity and he’s dynamic in the red zone. Consistency is an issue, but there’s great value for the Bills here at No. 28.
Another key piece
can't only help
still don't have a qb
The Arizona Cardinals Select Ladd McConkey WR Georgia
Bucs Haiku
We wildcarded the Eagles
Not too shabby
Year 2 of the Baker Act
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers select Graham Barton, OC/OG, Duke
Packers Haiku
Love is the man
Packers figure this thing out
Weather still sucks
The Green Bay Packers select Cooper DeJean, CB, Iowa
Seriously were you expecting someone else other than the only white cornerback in the draft that also happen to play in Iowa? This is a fit of need -- the Packers can use another top athlere in the secondary -- and a cultural fit because Green Bay just ain't for everyone.
Dak ain't it
Cowboys fans in denial
Better pay Ceedee
The Dallas Cowboys Select Jackson Powers Johnson OL Oregon
Chargers Haiku (sponsored by Angelo Don Juan Pizza 🍕 Hot Springs, Arkansas)
Jim Harbaugh's return
Under California skies
Rent too high to cheer
The LA Chargers select Chop Robinson, EDGE Penn State
So, the Chargers trade #5 to get Rome & Chop instead - two top tier dudes on both sides who can provide instant help. If this help isn't instant, why in the foik are they drafted in the 1st round anyway? Was it worth it? Yes it was. Malik Nabers or Dallas Turner alone cannot be greater than a Rome & Chop duo. Nice trade down!
Gave that cash to Russ
Payton pulled his punk card
Russ still geting paid
The Denver Broncos select Michael Penix Jr., QB, Washington
The Broncos were going to leave here with a quarterback and the braintrust had a few names to choose from, but they will go with Penix, the 2023 Heisman runner up. There are some legitimate concerns with Penix's long-term durability, but he's been healthy the past few seasons in Washington and has put up tremendous numbers leading the Huskies to the playoff championship game. That winning mentality is going to be much needed as the Broncos try to rebuild.
Tua Tago
Vai Loa
is its own haiku
The Miami Dolphins Select JC Latham OL Alabama
1) Chicago - QB Caleb Williams, USC
2) Washington - QB Jayden Daniels, LSU
3) N.Y. Giants (from New England) - QB Drake Maye, North Carolina
4) Arizona - WR Marvin Harrison Jr., Ohio State
5) Minnesota (from L.A. Chargers) - QB J.J. McCarthy, Michigan
6) New England (from N.Y. Giants) - OT Joe Alt, Notre Dame
7) Tennessee - OT Olumuyiwa Fashanu, Penn State
8) Atlanta - EDGE Dallas Turner, Alabama
9) Chicago - WR Malik Nabers, LSU
10) N.Y. Jets - OT Talifa Fauga, Oregon State
11) L.A. Chargers (from Minnesota) - WR Rome Odunze, Washington
12) Philadelphia Eagles (from Denver) - CB Quinyon Mitchell, Toledo
13) Las Vegas - Corey - OT Amarius Mims, Georgia
14) New Orleans - Mike - OL Troy Fautanu, Washington
15) Indianapolis - Cesar - TE Brock Bowers, Georgia
16) Seattle - Corey - CB Terrion Arnold, Alabama
17) Jacksonville - Cesar - DT Byron Murphy II, Texas
18) Cincinnati - Mike - WR Brian Thomas Jr, LSU
19) L.A. Rams - Corey - EDGE Jared Verse, FSU
20) Pittsburgh - Cesar - EDGE Laiatu Latu, UCLA
21) Miami - Mike
22) Denver (from Philadelphia) - Corey
23) L.A. Chargers (from Minnesota) - Cesar
24) Dallas - Mike
25) Green Bay - Corey
26) Tampa Bay - Cesar
27) Arizona - Mike
28) Buffalo - Corey
29) Detroit - Cesar
30) Baltimore - Mike
31) San Francisco - Corey
32) Kansas City - Cesar
Steelers Haiku
We got Russ for a nickel
We got Jus for a penny
Now what?
The Pittsburgh Steelers select Laiatu Latu, DE UCLA
With the two best centers and high level WR/OT's still on the board, the Steelers find themselves a missed gem at 20. This is far from a need but the old cliche of "you can never have enough pass rushers" rings true here.
Rams Haiku
L.A. has moved on
Super Bowl is long gone
Need more good players
The Los Angeles Rams select Jared Verse, EDGE, Florida State
This is an easy pick. Verse is probably a top-12 pick in most mocks and he's dropped to 19 here. The Rams needed pass rushing before Aaron Donald retired and now they need to revamp the entire defensive line. Verse, an All-American performer, that began his career at 1-AA Albany, is a good place to start with the rebuild.
Bengals are prime
The window is open
Please don't get hurt Joey
The Cincinnati Bengals Select Brian Thomas Jr. WR LSU
Jaguars Haiku (sponsored by Monroe Tire Store #67, Harrisburg, PA)
Jaguars prowl
White hot streets of JAX
Nocatee Expressway cars a hummin'
The Jacksonville Jaguars select, Byron Murphy II, DT, Texas
With the two top corners taken, Jaguars think they can get a solid one later in Day 2. Defensive line is a need also of and it lines up well for spot #17 and arguably the best DT in the draft (although many can say the same about Johnny Newton). Murphy is lightning fast and a handful - an asset immediately allowing Allen and Walker to work,
Seahawks Haiku
12th Man Gone Away
Seahawks Were Fun in the Day
Run the ball next time
With the 16th pick, the Seattle Seahwks select Terrion Arnold, CB, Alabama.
Seattle is rarely one to draft specifically for need, especially if that need doesn't line up with the first round on their draft board. This could be a trade down situation as well, but I think they will look to strengthen a strength and bring another young talented defensive back into the fold.
Colts Haiku (sponsored by Best Buy Hwy 98 N in Lakeland)
Richardson to Bowers,
Flacco to Bowers
It don't focking matter
Saints used to be fun
Now they are just meh
Big Easy deserves better
The New Orleans Saints Select Troy Fautanu OL Washington
Raiders Haiku
Need more wins baby
Bo Jackson ain't coming back
Vegas wants jackpots
The Las Vegas Raiders select Amarius Mims, OT, Georgia
With Mitchell off the board, the Raiders could have went cornerback with Terrion Arnold or even decided to go with "best player" option take Brock Bowers. But there are plenty of tackle options in the middle of the first round. Mims has the least amount of experience, but the highest upside of any lineman in this class. Las Vegas can start him out on the right side and eventually he'll become their franchise left tackle.
(updated with trades)
1) Chicago - QB Caleb Williams, USC
2) Washington - QB Jayden Daniels, LSU
3) N.Y. Giants (from New England) - QB Drake Maye, North Carolina
4) Arizona - WR Marvin Harrison Jr., Ohio State
5) Minnesota (from L.A. Chargers) - QB J.J. McCarthy, Michigan
6) New England (from N.Y. Giants) - OT Joe Alt, Notre Dame
7) Tennessee - OT Olumuyiwa Fashanu, Penn State
8) Atlanta - EDGE Dallas Turner, Alabama
9) Chicago - WR Malik Nabers, LSU
10) N.Y. Jets - OT Talifa Fauga, Oregon State
11) L.A. Chargers (from Minnesota) - WR Rome Odunze, Washington
12) Philadelphia Eagles (from Denver) - CB Quinyon Mitchell, Toledo
13) Las Vegas - Corey
14) New Orleans - Mike
15) Indianapolis - Cesar
16) Seattle - Corey
17) Jacksonville - Cesar
18) Cincinnati - Mike
19) L.A. Rams - Corey
20) Pittsburgh - Cesar
21) Miami - Mike
22) Denver (from Philadelphia) - Corey
23) L.A. Chargers (from Minnesota) - Cesar
24) Dallas - Mike
25) Green Bay - Corey
26) Tampa Bay - Cesar
27) Arizona - Mike
28) Buffalo - Corey
29) Detroit - Cesar
30) Baltimore - Mike
31) San Francisco - Corey
32) Kansas City - Cesar
Philadelphia Eagles Haiku (sponsored by the Ponte Vedra Recorder)
In the draft room's glow,
Howie's moves outsmart the rest—
Fly you Pinche Puta Focking Eagles fly
The Philadelphia Eagles trade up with the Denver Broncos and select Quinyon Mitchell, CB, Toledo
The Broncos accept pick #22 and #53 from Philly in exchange for #12. Broncos can get their QB ending in "ix", Nix or Penix, at the #22 spot and get another 2nd rounder to build up their roster. Eagles, on the other hand, get the highest rated CB on many boards in Mitchell, who's 4.33 40 at the combine separated him from Terrion Arnold. This solidifies the aging and regressing James Bradberry and the rest of the CB rotation who got severely torched in their sudden downfall in losing 5 out of their last 6 games, including their flaccid wildcard performance against the Bucs.
Harbaugh is strange
Drinks alot of milk
Joey Bosa might kill him
The Los Angeles Chargers Select Rome Odunze WR Washington
WR is not at the top of their list of needs but Odunze is just too good a value at this pick. They could use a talented CB but the value just isnt there at 11 and they can grab one in round two. Odunze is being overlooked because he played on the west coast and he isn't the son of Marvin Harrison and didn't go to WRU in Baton Rouge. He instantly gives Herbert another weapon.
(updated with trades)
1) Chicago - QB Caleb Williams, USC
2) Washignton - QB Jayden Daniels, LSU
3) N.Y. Giants (from New England) - QB Drake Maye, North Carolina
4) Arizona - WR Marvin Harriso Jr., Ohio State
5) Minnesota (from L.A. Chargers) - QB J.J. McCarthy, Michigan
6) New England (from N.Y. Giants) - OT Joe Alt, Notre Dame
7) Tennessee - OT Olumuyiwa Fashanu, Penn State
8) Atlanta - EDGE Dallas Turner, Alabama
9) Chicago - WR Malik Nabers, LSU
10) N.Y. Jets - OT Talifa Fauga, Oregon State
11) L.A. Chargers (from Minnnesota) - Mike
12) Denver - Cesar
13) Las Vegas - Corey
14) New Orleans - Mike
15) Indianapolis - Cesar
16) Seattle - Corey
17) Jacksonville - Cesar
18) Cincinnati - Mike
19) L.A. Rams - Corey
20) Pittsburgh - Cesar
21) Miami - Mike
22) Philadelphia - Corey
23) L.A. Chargers (from Minnesota) - Cesar
24) Dallas - Mike
25) Green Bay - Corey
26) Tampa Bay - Cesar
27) Arizona - Mike
28) Buffalo - Corey
29) Detroit - Cesar
30) Baltimore - Mike
31) San Francisco - Corey
32) Kansas City - Cesar
Chicago Bears haiku poem (brought to you by Totino’s Organic Pizza):
Chicago’s bold move,
Draft capital grows, future bright,
Panthers’ gift unwinds.
The Chicago Bears select Malik Nabers, WR, LSU
Summarized by the late, great, Rodney Dangerfield:
Let me tell ya, Malik Nabers and D.J. Moore teaming up with Caleb Williams is like a dream come true for the Bears. And Justin Fields, poor kid got crushed more than my ego at a family reunion. Now, they’re saying Williams has got star power with these guys. Star power? The last time I had star power, they told me the bulb was burnt out! I tell ya, I get no respect!
Atlanta Falcons Haiku
Falcons flying mid
Gave Cousins big dollar bills
I bet he likes that
The Atlanta Falcons select Dallas Turner, EDGE, Alabama
Titans sound scary
The roster does not
Name a player on their roster
The Tennessee Titans Select OL Olumuyiwa Fashanu OL Penn State
New England Patriots Haiku Poem (sponsored by O'Keefe Motor Parts):
Tom left us and we suck now.
Maye or McCarthy as our new Tom?
Lol fock off💩, there will never be another Tom.
The New England Patriots select Joe Alt, OT, Notre Dame
Anytime draftniks say this guy is the next such and such QB, run the other way. Tom Brady can never be replaced. While the Patriots could have stood "Pat" at #3 and taken a highly ranked QB, they instead go for the surest thing in the draft, while taking the Giants 2nd round pick this year and 1st round next year. This is pretty smart considering Giants are gonna suck balls in 2024, where NE can have a very high 1st round selection.
Pats are in prime position to land a QB1 in 2025 with an improved 2024 roster. Alt looks like a NE guy and will be their anchor for many moons to come.
TRADE ALERT:
Minnesota Vikings Haiku
Trying to get one
Thought Cousins was the guy
He left for money
The Minnesota Vikings trade up with the L.A. Chargers to select J.J. McCarthy, QB, Michigan
Details of the trade are as follows: L.A. deals picks 5, 69 amd 181 to the Vikings for picks 11, 23 and a 2025 4th round selection.
Minnesota had to say goodbye to Kirk Cousins, who unapologetically chases the cash every time. Cousins wasn't a top guy, but he was productive and consistent and always gave the Vikings a chance to win. Now they hope McCarthy will be a similar type of player, but a little more loyal. He's got a lot of high-end skill despite playing in a run-heavy offense. And he's a winner, leading Michigan to a CFP championship -- something that makes Ohio Ice weep.
Harrison can ball
QB is too short to ride this ride.
What a waste
The Arizona Cardinals Select Marvin Harrison Jr. WR Ohio State
New York Giants Haiku
Shadows of Eli's reign,
New QB's try and wane -
Echoes of past pain
Washington Commanders Haiku
Commies or Redskins
It doesn't seem to matter
Jayden Daniels weeps.
The Washington Commanders select Jayden Daniels, QB, LSU
The braintrust among the Commies have had months to survey the quarterback prospects not named "Caleb Williams" and will decide on the 2023 Heisman winner over Drake Maye or J.J. McCarthy or Bo Nix or any of the other white guys the draftniks are trying push on us in the final weeks. Daniels really improved in year two at LSU. His pocket passing is better, his ball placement is better and his style of play will sell tickets. He needs to get bigger because the Commies don't protect their QBs much, just ask Sam Howell or RG3 or someone else I cant think of right now.